She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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