her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
