what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
