You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
