my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
