Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
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