dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
