I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
