Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
