somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
