either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize