How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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