I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Randomize
