I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
