The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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