Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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