I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
