I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
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