dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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