Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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