the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
