my phone needs a breathalizer
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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