I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
