I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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