you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
