he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
