If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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