how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
