we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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