I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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