I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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