"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
