I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We need to rekindle our bromance
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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