My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ladies don't puke and tell
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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