the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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