So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
