I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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