Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
