i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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