Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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