And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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