he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
