Plan B is the new Plan A
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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