My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
