I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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