I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
