i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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