My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
