I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Less talking, more tequila
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
