Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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