If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
