i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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