was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
