Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
