just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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