toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
literally had 100 drinks last night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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