Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
